i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
