On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
