No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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