the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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