Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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