happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
