if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
