The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
