You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
