So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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