Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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