i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
