New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize