We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
