Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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