That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
