you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
