I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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