I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
