Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
