youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
