I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
