I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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