I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
