she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
