next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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