this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
