My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
