The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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