Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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