Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize