Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
