My cat gives me a boner
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
