This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
