I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
