I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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