i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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