I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
