got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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