Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
