hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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