you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it because I queefed?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
