My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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