Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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