Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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