:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
