I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
