i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
