he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
