Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
