Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
