turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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