If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
only if we run a train.
done.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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