dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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