My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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