News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
