if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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