his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
