I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
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One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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