Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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