I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.