can we get nightvision for the apartment?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.