Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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