All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
