If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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