My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
